*coping with chronic pain leaves me drained mentally, physically and emotionally everyday.
*I am never exaggerating pain. On the contrary I am usually saying I am more okay then I am not.
*I need help & support to get thru this more than I say I do.
*I try and shield everyone from how bad the pain really is.
*I hate being a burden on my family.
*I am never feeling sorry for myself. I am not playing the victim.
*When you have to say the same thing to me 10 times a day, its not for lack of listening but I have so many other things going on in my mind because of pain as well as medication that sometimes it is hard for me to focus.
*I really appreciate my family & Johnny standing by me. My parents & Grandma especially. more than you will ever know.
*this is not all in my head.
*and its driving me crazy. Its making me angry
*i need to know that even though i can not do things that i used to do, i am still so blessed and there are things i still can do
*sometimes i just need a hug
*i am always tired
*my pain doesnt go away. good days for me would be horrible days for someone who is normal.
*if i look okay, im usually still not. and theres nothing i can do
*all i want to do is run!
*i cry at least once a day that this is my life
*im sorry for taking my anger out on others. the pain takes over me
*im sorry that my mom has to see me go through this
Monday, March 31, 2014
Because I Can't Sleep
Well I can't sleep. Not only can I not sleep. I don't want to go to sleep.
I have 99 problems well you know the rest.
Anyways its late. Or its early? I'm not too sure. But my parents are about to get up and get ready for work. So going back to bed just seems stupid to me now.
It may be that I subconciously don't want to go to sleep. See I wake up in pain. Then by the time the pain subsides its basically bedtime. And then I go to bed and wake up in pain again. Its a vicious cycle that I just can't seem to get away from.
There are steps to feel better. And these steps have taken a few years for me to follow and understand. I am still not sure if I didnt follow these rules from the get go because I didnt understand them or because I didnt want to follow them...
The steps to good health, in my book are as followed.
**Eat Clean...
Paleo.. Paleo..Paleo.
No Gluten. No Gluten at all. Gluten really makes me swell. I can not explain how much better I feel without gluten. My mind feels more clear. And now that I have cut out gluten, I feel like I have made myself allergic to it. Even a small piece of bread, makes me feel super inflammed the next day.
No Red Meat. Too many hormines and salts in red meat. Mainly eating white meat chicken and fish is best for me. Salmon is an anti inflammatory.
Juice it up! Juincing is an excellent way to get lots of nutrients and greens into my body. Juicing helps more than I ever thought it could.
I am trying really hard to cut out dairy. But I am a sucker for some ice cream once in a while.
**Take My Medication.
I can't stress enough how much I hate putting this stuff in my body.
Ugh the stuff it does to me. I feel cloudy, I feel weak, tired. I feel like some thing is controlling my body and it is just not me. God I hate medication so bad. Medication is what did this to me in the first place.
**Crossfit.
Working out if good for the mind, body and soul. When I workout I am able to loosen up my joints and get my blood flowing. It really helps to get my body moving and thaws me out.
I really can't do this. I am doing all the right things. I am eating clean, taking my medication, going to my doctor visits, I am working out. I am sleeping enough, I am resting and I am praying all day to feel better. Why can't I feel better!?! Why can't I just feel better! I am so angry all the time. I am angry because I just want to be who I was before all this came about. I want to be strong, I want to run marathons. I want to be a freaken paramedic. I feel like I am supposed to do something more in this life then just be a chick with R.A. As my disease progresses... I get angrier. As i get angrier I am pushing people away. I just dont know what to do. And as of today, it is literally keeping me up at night. God help me.
I have 99 problems well you know the rest.
Anyways its late. Or its early? I'm not too sure. But my parents are about to get up and get ready for work. So going back to bed just seems stupid to me now.
It may be that I subconciously don't want to go to sleep. See I wake up in pain. Then by the time the pain subsides its basically bedtime. And then I go to bed and wake up in pain again. Its a vicious cycle that I just can't seem to get away from.
There are steps to feel better. And these steps have taken a few years for me to follow and understand. I am still not sure if I didnt follow these rules from the get go because I didnt understand them or because I didnt want to follow them...
The steps to good health, in my book are as followed.
**Eat Clean...
Paleo.. Paleo..Paleo.
No Gluten. No Gluten at all. Gluten really makes me swell. I can not explain how much better I feel without gluten. My mind feels more clear. And now that I have cut out gluten, I feel like I have made myself allergic to it. Even a small piece of bread, makes me feel super inflammed the next day.
No Red Meat. Too many hormines and salts in red meat. Mainly eating white meat chicken and fish is best for me. Salmon is an anti inflammatory.
Juice it up! Juincing is an excellent way to get lots of nutrients and greens into my body. Juicing helps more than I ever thought it could.
I am trying really hard to cut out dairy. But I am a sucker for some ice cream once in a while.
**Take My Medication.
I can't stress enough how much I hate putting this stuff in my body.
Ugh the stuff it does to me. I feel cloudy, I feel weak, tired. I feel like some thing is controlling my body and it is just not me. God I hate medication so bad. Medication is what did this to me in the first place.
**Crossfit.
Working out if good for the mind, body and soul. When I workout I am able to loosen up my joints and get my blood flowing. It really helps to get my body moving and thaws me out.
I really can't do this. I am doing all the right things. I am eating clean, taking my medication, going to my doctor visits, I am working out. I am sleeping enough, I am resting and I am praying all day to feel better. Why can't I feel better!?! Why can't I just feel better! I am so angry all the time. I am angry because I just want to be who I was before all this came about. I want to be strong, I want to run marathons. I want to be a freaken paramedic. I feel like I am supposed to do something more in this life then just be a chick with R.A. As my disease progresses... I get angrier. As i get angrier I am pushing people away. I just dont know what to do. And as of today, it is literally keeping me up at night. God help me.
Blabbering About Guns
To the punk little kid who lectured us on guns for three hours...
I was the only sober one all night... you didnt shut up and you made me angry by everything you were saying.
First off.. You asked what good guns have done. Well guns have yes killed people. But they are also the reason YOU live in a FREE country. you liberal POS.
You are wrong. Guns don't kill people. People point guns at people and kill them. People make the decision to shoot and kill. They make the decision! Guns can't make decisions. Guns can't go off on their own.
And for everyone who swares guns need to be kept away from kids. YOU'RE WRONG
kids need to be taught gun safety. If we as a society and teaching kids that guns are bad then kids are going to belive guns are bad.
If there is a family who has a gun in the house, and the parents hide it from their kids and tell them not to touch it ect ect... well what do you think is going to happen NUMNUTS! the kids are going to get curious, look for the gun and show their friends. Of course the kids know where it is. Even if they were never shown they know where it is! And they're going to try to get a hold of it because they are curious.
It's so simple people... so so simple that even writing this is stupid. TEACH your kids about guns. Teach them how to use them safely. Take your little girls to the shooting range. And you know what, they wont be curious and wont want to go play with it when youre not home. there wont be an accident and little kids wont shoot other little kids. Just by teaching them that guns arnt bad.
Now that all being said, for you adults who are AFRAID of guns. It is just fear. Take a gun safety class and learn about them. You wont be afraid anymore.
I was the only sober one all night... you didnt shut up and you made me angry by everything you were saying.
First off.. You asked what good guns have done. Well guns have yes killed people. But they are also the reason YOU live in a FREE country. you liberal POS.
You are wrong. Guns don't kill people. People point guns at people and kill them. People make the decision to shoot and kill. They make the decision! Guns can't make decisions. Guns can't go off on their own.
And for everyone who swares guns need to be kept away from kids. YOU'RE WRONG
kids need to be taught gun safety. If we as a society and teaching kids that guns are bad then kids are going to belive guns are bad.
If there is a family who has a gun in the house, and the parents hide it from their kids and tell them not to touch it ect ect... well what do you think is going to happen NUMNUTS! the kids are going to get curious, look for the gun and show their friends. Of course the kids know where it is. Even if they were never shown they know where it is! And they're going to try to get a hold of it because they are curious.
It's so simple people... so so simple that even writing this is stupid. TEACH your kids about guns. Teach them how to use them safely. Take your little girls to the shooting range. And you know what, they wont be curious and wont want to go play with it when youre not home. there wont be an accident and little kids wont shoot other little kids. Just by teaching them that guns arnt bad.
Now that all being said, for you adults who are AFRAID of guns. It is just fear. Take a gun safety class and learn about them. You wont be afraid anymore.
I Can Do All Things Through Christ...
“I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me.”
I dont know how I can exactly put this. But its taking over so much of my life right now that it needs to be said. This simple verse from the Bible. Phillipians 4:13. Is taking over my life. I have always had a strong relationship with God. And over the past few months I have gone through my own list of hardships and struggles. These are the times where one might stear away from faith and get angry. I have seen it happen to me before. I get caught up in not feeling well, I get angry, I start thinking why me? And sure enough I find myself in less and less devotion and prayer with the Lord. However, I am finding myself feeling closer to God than I have ever felt. I am talking to him all day. I am asking him to help me through easy tasks and feeling like he is right with me on harder ones. There are so many times in my days where something minut happens where I think “Oh my gosh, thank you God.”
Well take today for example, I rode my bike to school. My class didnt get out until about 7pm. Its late January so it was already dark. Now I ride safe, I have lights on my bike and all that jazz. But its not me I am worried about. All the drivers are going every which way trying to get to who knows where. So I am about 1 block from home, on Valley View which is a pretty busy street. Some lady in a van, clearly not paying attention, clearly just moved to America… decides to pull out of the apartment driveway and almost hit me. Now if she would have hit me I would have flown into the busy street and been crushed. I immediatly swerved and yelled something that probably sounded like “AY AY AY” haha! I am sure I looked ridiculous. On the remainder of my short ride home my heart was pounding and all I could think was WOW God is totally looking out for me.
Rewind to about 2 weeks ago… I was on the 91 freeway stopped in traffic. All the cars in front of me were stopped. The car pool lane was still traveling at a speed of probably 60-70. I had my foot on my brake, at a dead stop in my little Civic. The car behind me (Black Izusu SUV, think it was a trooper, no front license plate) decided to no stop and ram into me as hard as possible. I thankfully had enough space in between me and the car in front of me that I didnt rearend them. My Ray Bans flew off, I jerked forward and was so startled I dont really know what happened next. I immediatly put on my hazards and start to get over. When I am safely on the shoulder, all I remember is saying out loud THANK YOU GOD! I could have been seriously hurt that was quite the impact! I look around and homie drove off!! where did that Black Izusu SUV go? Well that really doesnt matter I guess.
What matters is, I was okay. And then of course I start to wonder, why was I okay? What kind of guardian angel is watching me and keeping me so safe? Im going off on a tangent here but the only reason I wear my seatbelt now is because of my friend Michele. Michele’s life was taken too soon in a car accident about 7 months ago. I miss her more than I ever thought I could. That girl touched so many lives. More than she probably realized. In a way I am jealous of Michele. Her life was complete. God was ready for her to go home.
And then theres my Uncle Bobby. Uncle Bobby seemed to have everything. He was full of life, he had a great career and the best laugh you ever heard. Uncle Bobby’s life was also taken on the freeway. He was riding his motorcycle about 10 miles an hour when he was hit from behind. We were all headed out to the desert for a family vacation on spring break. Another life taken too soon. Uncle Bobby’s relationship with God was so unique and amazing. You could see it in his actions. God was apart of him. I loved that about him.
We are all here on Earth, doing what we do, living how we live and praying that one day we get to spend eternity with the ones we love. When God decides we are ready we go into Heaven and watch over our loved ones here on Earth. I guess I have learned I am not afraid anymore. Because when death sneaks up on me, I want everyone to know that I am ready to start my eternal life.
All I can ever hope for is to touch at least one life the way Michele and Uncle Bobby touched so many lives.
Fifty Shades of Filthy
Day two back to crossfit.
Filthy fifty is on the whiteboard. Now if you don’t know what it is, it sounds like one of the 50 Shades of Grey books! WRONG! Its much dirtier. Fifthy Fifty is one of the benchmark crossfit workouts. It is one of the most hated workouts. It basically requires you to push yourself harder than physically possible. push yourself to the point of exhaustion and then keep going. If you don’t feel like you’re going to puke your brains out during this WOD, you’re doing it wrong. So day 2 back at crossfit for me and Nikki (Recoil coach) tells me to scale it down to thirty. Ohhhh you just told one of the most competive girls in the box to scale a workout…. not gunna happen! I finished the whole thing in 38:42. Okay not bad. the average finish was about 40 minutes.. but the goal was 30 minutes. I of course was bummed I didnt do it in under 30 minutes. And my double unders where more like double under attempts. But hey an attemp still counts as a rep right?
Filthy fifty is on the whiteboard. Now if you don’t know what it is, it sounds like one of the 50 Shades of Grey books! WRONG! Its much dirtier. Fifthy Fifty is one of the benchmark crossfit workouts. It is one of the most hated workouts. It basically requires you to push yourself harder than physically possible. push yourself to the point of exhaustion and then keep going. If you don’t feel like you’re going to puke your brains out during this WOD, you’re doing it wrong. So day 2 back at crossfit for me and Nikki (Recoil coach) tells me to scale it down to thirty. Ohhhh you just told one of the most competive girls in the box to scale a workout…. not gunna happen! I finished the whole thing in 38:42. Okay not bad. the average finish was about 40 minutes.. but the goal was 30 minutes. I of course was bummed I didnt do it in under 30 minutes. And my double unders where more like double under attempts. But hey an attemp still counts as a rep right?
This brings me to the 5 Stages of WOD Grief….
stage one: Denial… “Well that doesnt look that bad”
stage two: Bargaining…”Maybe U should scale the workout to 30″
stage three: Anger… “We JUST DID wall balls yesterday!!”
stage four: Depression… “No rep!”
stage five:Acceptance…”I think I could have gone faster.”
Once you get to acceptance, thats when you see how competitve this whole thing really is. And then you realize crossfit is more than just a workout. It’s a lifestyle. Yes it is a cult. Yes I am in a cult. And as much as my brother is going to make fun of me and call me a nazi for it… I am so stoked to be apart of this cult. Needless to say I am going to feel like $h#t tomorrow.
#crossfitpit
stage one: Denial… “Well that doesnt look that bad”
stage two: Bargaining…”Maybe U should scale the workout to 30″
stage three: Anger… “We JUST DID wall balls yesterday!!”
stage four: Depression… “No rep!”
stage five:Acceptance…”I think I could have gone faster.”
Once you get to acceptance, thats when you see how competitve this whole thing really is. And then you realize crossfit is more than just a workout. It’s a lifestyle. Yes it is a cult. Yes I am in a cult. And as much as my brother is going to make fun of me and call me a nazi for it… I am so stoked to be apart of this cult. Needless to say I am going to feel like $h#t tomorrow.
#crossfitpit
Friday, January 31, 2014
Goals vs. Swolls
Being that it is the beginning of the semester, one of my week one assignments was to make some semester goals. As I started jotting down my goals I realized a lot of them dont have to do with school but they have to do with bettering myself. Then I kind of got frustrated because I needed to have school based goals. After some reflection I realized my goals were actually more like swolls. I wanted to hit some gains in my life. This year is my year. I know we say that every year but it really is.
23. Twenty three years on Earth. Im pretty sure I should have things figured out by now. Jotting them down on paper is suppsed to help me right? Well seeing as I am sleepy drunk right now and half watching Jay Leno… I am just going to jot them down and feel better about getting them out and being aware of them. here it goes…..
*FEEL BETTER
okay folks, youre going to see a lot about this feel better stuff on here. I know what to do. Its just a matter of applying the right formula to feeling better.
*WORKOUT MORE
*GET BACK IN CROSSFIT PIT
*CROSSFIT (atleast) 5 TIMES A WEEK
*COMPETE
*TRANSFER TO UNIVERSITY
*EMT CERTIFICATION
*PAY OFF CAR
*GET OUT OF DEBT
*COACH
*RUN A MARATHON (well…. gunna be hard to do when youre not allowed to run sooooo)
*HAVE A BETTER RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD (always room for growth)
*BE A BETTER DAUGHTER,SISTER, GIRLFRIEND (I will expand on this later)
this is a basic over view of what I want out of this year.
I am excited to see where my goals take me and the experiences I get out of this year…
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